Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Show Me Your Goods!

If you are a reader of InStyle, as I am, you know that in every issue they ask a celebrity to dump out their purse and list what they carry around with them every day. Invariably it includes some sort of ridiculously expensive skin cream, a mascara that they just happen to be the spokeswoman for (what?! serendipity at work!), and something they throw in there to try to make them seem "normal" like a granola bar. Celebrities get hungry too! They're just like Us!

So as I was transferring my purse content to a new bag, I decided to do the same.

The bag:

Canvas shoulder bag. Target. $12.99

The contents:

Wallet. Also from the Target couture line.

Sephora blotting papers. They have literally been in there at least three years. I think I have used one. But if the Boy Scouts taught me anything, it is to learn 18 kinds of knots and always be prepared.

Two MAC compacts. One is blot powder (hence the non-use of the papers listed above). The other is regular face powder. And no, I couldn't possible downsize and only carry one.

DKNY be delicious travel size perfume. Cause I'm a stinky woman on the go! Recent purchase - I give it roughly two months before it breaks and everyone around me passes out from scent overload.

Knock off Ray Bans. Take that, The Man! I found a way around your twisted consumerist culture!

My IRA and stock portfolio account summaries. Yea, I do think my purse is the absolute best place to store that information.

Handsfree headset. Not so much because I like to obey the law, but more that I like to confuse and piss off Starbucks employees.

Pen with company logo. Product placement! Except that I didn't face the logo outward before I took the picture. Endorsement fail.

Tinfoil. At some point this week, it held a piece of pizza I took to work for lunch. Like a good environmentalist, I decided I could reuse it for another piece, so I folded it and put it in my purse. But then I forgot to take it out, so now it has bottom of the purse debris all up in the nooks and crannies, so I will have to throw it away. The Indian just cried another single tear.

Kindle. Which makes me seem like an intellectual. But if you turned it on, you would find the most recently read books are by Tina Fey and Chelsea Handler. But the beauty of the Kindle is nobody can tell what you are reading!

Vanilla pudding snack. That has been in there for a few days; I had forgotten about it. I often find a stray string cheese or mandarin, but not usually pudding. And it's not even Jello brand. That's for the big spenders living in their McMansions. This, as you can see, is "Pudding" brand pudding.

That's about it. I'm pretty disappointed I didn't find a certs breath mint at the bottom. I feel like my mom always had certs floating around at the bottom of her purse. And eating that cert always seemed like a good idea. "Well, it has tasted like pennies the last ten times I ate a stray cert, but I feel like this is the one time it will taste solely like minty goodness". - me at age 12 (and 27)

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Wednesday, March 9, 2011

I'll pass.

Wienerschnitzel is offering 5 chili dogs for $5. As good as a deal that is, you will inevitably end up spending twice that on Pepto Bismol. But bonus: you will lose five pounds!
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Sunday, March 6, 2011

I'm old.

I'm sitting, watching a pbs special on the 25th anniversary of les miserables (everything in that sentence proves I am cool), and one of the singers looks suspiciously like a Jonas brother. For the record, I am not ashamed that I am watching this, but am ashamed that I know what the Jonas brothers look like. I did spend a solid ten minutes staring at the television quizzically, trying to figure out if it really was a Jonas or if all teenagers look like them (chicken or the egg, anyone?). I finally had to Google it to check. I should have known because he has the fanciest ascot and smallest voice.

This gave me pause. I get that pbs wants to reel in younger viewers, but should it be done at the expense of production value? I highly doubt that their audience for this special would include anyone that cared whether or not a tween sensation is in the cast.

Yes, I realize I am being curmudeonly, but its really bothering me because he has a big part and he's really not that great. Couldn't they have gotten one of the glee kids instead? Oh snap, Fantine just stepped up, and I think it might be the annoying girl from glee.

Excuse me, I'm going to go yell at some kids to get off my lawn.
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Monday, February 28, 2011

bring back Brenda Walsh

After a glass of wine on Monday night, I got really motivated to work out. And by really motivated, I mean motivated enough to think, hmm I should work out, but not motivated enough to do something truly active like go for a jog. Plus it's cold outside, ya'll. So I decided to half assedly do some resistance band training while watching tv. The show that was on: the new 90210. This is amongst the perils of not having cable. So many things wrong with this show.

First: they decided to remake 90210. So not necessary.

Second: Snoop Dogg just made an appearance (playing himself). One of the 90210 kids (of course the only black one) went up to him at the place where both their lambroghinis were getting detailed (I wish I was making this up) and started rapping. Then Snoop finished the rap with him. Cause that would totally happen. Then Snoop invited him to go for a ride and listen to his new demo. Cause that's not creepy at all. Hey, 16 year old kid, I'm 40 and still have twin braids - want a free ride and some candy? Then he agreed to let the high schoolers shoot his next music video. I. Can't. Remember when Snoop Dogg used to be cool?

Anyway, I was so engrossed in the show, that I ended up working out way too long. So I blame you, new 90210, for when I am crazy sore tomorrow. You and the rap music.
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the battle of 10th street

So, driving this past weekend, a few blocks from my house I saw something that I am still perplexed by. As I drove by, I see a 60-ish year old dude getting out of his car. Wearing a full on civil war military outfit. Getting out of a Prius. I had to do a triple take. My first thought was, okay he must be one of those civil war re-enacters. Then I remembered that I live in California. Not too many battles were fought over here. Then I thought he might be doing something in old town Sacramento. But he was parking really far away. As he was putting on his cap, my light turned so I had to drive on. My curiosity was not enough to turn down the street and figure out what the hell he was doing. Plus, I didn't know if he had a civil war musket as well, and I wasn't taking any chances. And I am a Yankee, so I was in the danger zone.
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Wednesday, February 23, 2011

productive evening

While doing some work at home tonight, I had the tv on for background noise (as you do). This situation (did somebody say situation?) usually results in me watching truly terrible tv because I don't really notice what is on until the show is halfway over.

Somehow, I managed to watch Entertainment Tonight twice. I have no idea how that happened. Apparently, Sacramento programmers feel that we really really need to see that show. Things I learned: Justin Bieber cut his hair (and a million tween girls started cutting themselves). Lindsay Lohan went to court, and apparently forgot her bra at home (how embarrassing!). And Mary Hart still creeps me the hell out. I'm pretty sure she is preserved in the same stuff as Dick Clark and Seacrest, and there is something about her voice that will haunt my nightmares.

Then I watched American Idol because there was nothing else on (realizing later that Modern Family was on and I missed it). J Lo pretended to cry, Stephen Tyler pretended he didn't want to sleep with the 16 year olds (he wasn't very convincing), and Randy pretended that he was happy he re-signed his contract. They spent the whole show building up to a "shocking elimination". Spoiler alert: they eliminated a mediocre singer. Apparently we have narrowed it down to the top 24, so let the karaoke begin! I'm picking the spunky, likable singer with a somewhat sad backstory to win. Note: the backstory can't be too sad, otherwise that will make people not vote for you. I'm talking to you, chick that used to clean bathrooms at a stadium. We don't like to think of our idols elbow deep in beer and nachos feces.

And now I just watched five minutes of Law and Order:SVU. For the uninitiated, that stands for special victims unit, which is all the serial killers that are also sexual deviants. So yeah, I won't be sleeping tonight.

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Friday, February 4, 2011

casting the super bowl

So I was watching The Office and reading super bowl predictions (cause I'm a multi-tasker, ya'll) and I noticed that Jim Halpert and Aaron Rodgers totally look alike. Yes, I refer to him by his character's name because Jim Halpert is awesome and who the hell cares about John Krasinski.

So, in excitement and anticipation for the upcoming big game, I began to wonder: when they make an ESPN tv movie chronicling the Packers' epic win, who would portray our cast of characters in a movie? Here are the answers. You can thank me later, Hollywood.

The Packers
Jim Halpert as Aaron Rodgers. Duh.


Gary Payton as Donald Driver. It's not just the baldness, its that smile. They both blind you with their pearlies and then score on your ass. (and p.s. yes I chose that picture because it looks like he is about to kiss Wally Sczerbiak)


Jennie Finch as Clay Matthews. She has the flowing golden locks and is halfway to the build. Second choice: Fabio, obvs.


Jim Belushi as Mike McCarthy. They both look like they enjoy a 50 piece mcnugget meal after a rough day. Though this may be a tough sell to the Belush, as (my three episode viewing of According to Jim has informed me) he is a Bears fan.


Meryl Streep as Lambeau Field. She is just so versatile. And they are already engraving her name on the Oscar. "I really felt that she was a frozen tundra" -critics


The Steelers:
Pedobear as Ben Roethlisberger. Don't yell at me with technicalities like charges were never pressed and the girls were of age. I chose him because they have the same hair color.


Diana Ross circa 1975 as Troy Polomalu. You best give him r-e-s-p-e-c-t, he is the defensive player of the year.


Russell Simmons as Hines Ward. Right?


Omar Epps as Mike Tomlin. This isn't exactly a controversial choice, but I had to put it out there.


South Park's Towelie as the Terrible Towel. Gotta throw him a bone - it's hard to find a gig when you are a towel in this economy.


And finally, as the Lombardi Trophy - Charles Barkley's head from any episode of Inside the NBA. Seriously, throw a little talc on there once in a while, Chuck.